If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
