I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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