How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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