i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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