found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
