last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
