Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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