i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
