nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
