accomplished twins. life is a go
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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