Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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