You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
