You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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