I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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