my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
