My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
