You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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