Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
