they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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