Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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