friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
