walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
