I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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