she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
