this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Randomize
