i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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