When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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