i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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