Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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