I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
