How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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