He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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