were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
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And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.