Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..