I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
