its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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