so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
