Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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