i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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