I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
