You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
