I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
