woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This baby is an asshole
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
