I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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