Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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