the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
