i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
