I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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