i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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