hotel room ftw
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
