I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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