Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
