is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
