"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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