I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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