why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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