wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
